I don’t like the way us tree-huggers get insulted and laughed at, just because we care. The word hug is silly in itself: everyone knows that a proper hug consists of two people embracing one another in a loving way, with each person making a concerned effort to embrace one another back (and if one doesn’t do so then the hug becomes awkward fast). Now, as much as I love trees and if I had my way the human race would be completely replaced by trees, even I know that a tree can’t hug you back. I know this because I have hugged many thousands of them. It’s a very time-consuming but ultimately very rewarding affair. And the more you hold—because I call it TREE HOLDING—the better you get and the more the tree wants to give.

It’s always funny, watching an amateur hug a tree for the first time. They seem so scared and timid, as if the tree were a Rottweiler and might bite. But soon they get in to it, and there you have it, another person converted! And all it costs is five pounds. For this paltry sum I instruct on how best to hold the tree, what to say, and how to correctly say “hello” and “goodbye”. So that’s what I do now: I am a professional tree holder instructor. Suffice to say I have cornered the market and times are looking economically fruitful for me right now. What do I do if someone complains about the price? I lay the guilt on them, of course. The guilt of a billion carbon-foot printing people. That’s usually enough to make them feel terrible, and they hand the money over no problem.

On a completely different topic I am making an effort at figuring out something for my sister for her birthday next month. When I was talking with her the other day she said that she would like a new pair of running shoes because she is on this big health kick lately. Do any of you know of a good place to get a pair for jogging? Any tips?